i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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