im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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