How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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