i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
