Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
