my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
