Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
