ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
