I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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