if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Randomize
