i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
