Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Even my vagina gasped.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
