i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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