living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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