someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
