I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
