I think i sorta joined a cult last night
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
