Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I see more hoeing in ur future
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