The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
