my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
