I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
