juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
