if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
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