I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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