Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
