You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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