fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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