too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
my liver is dry heaving
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
