saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
