i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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