You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
