It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
