NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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