the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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