I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
