i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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