The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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