u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
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