Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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