Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize