Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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