Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
