yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
