Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
