watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
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He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
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After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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