I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
