Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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