There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
