is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
