Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
