Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
