tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
