White coat. Heels.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
