He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
