Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Randomize
