Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
