What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
