He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
