You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The uberlube is also flammable
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
