It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
what is it with giant penises always finding me
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
