dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
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so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
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I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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