Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Randomize
