Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
