My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I just gift wrapped bread.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
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